Thoughts

Again I am stucked...
like an old cassette tape babbling the same song over and over again.
Calculating every second drop of the hand, unmoved on the same spot.
Meditative state? Silent chaos.

Lingering thoughts that pop like bubbles.
Once there, now air.
Invisible and no trace of existence...
except the scent of soap.

Seeing people walk about the street,
eyebrows twisted, bad hair day
with umbrellas, cigarette stick,
or with nothing to carry but a heavy heart
Seemingly knowing where they're headed
Seemingly.

Changing lanes once in a while.

Unaware of an ever-existing plague...
Reaping a dead heart,
Ripping,
Left empty as a bystander,

Airborne.
catching colds,
sniffing smoke,
silent itches,
ego in abyss,
bargaining intrinsicly,
paralyzed,

Thoughts always end with 3 dots...
So it doesn't.

R.I.P.

Like a thief in the night, death comes. How it chooses which door to bust is a mystery but I bet, with history's eyes, that he won't leave one. A surprise to many but an invited guest to some who knew it was time for their last supper. I am well aware of this inevitable and certain fate we have. Perhaps, all things given, this is the only thing we are "certain" of. Clueless, on the other hand as to "how".
As I received the news of a friend's death, I begin to think of my own... I mean, of course I thought of his death but eventually it got me thinking about life in general as if it's something I seldom do.
Life in general... gets really depressing at times and you really wanna hang yourself to end the vicious cycle. And correct me if I'm wrong but at one point or another in this lifetime we fantasized about death's liberation. But how would you know if this time it's worth it? Is it ever going to be worth it in the first place or is it just about who ever has the guts? I'm talking about suicide if ever you're lost in this paragraph.
Yep.. my dear friend killed himself. Maybe I didn't know him well enough or a lot of things have changed since I last saw him... I didn't understand why... Nobody would ever understand why as much as he did.
Man, rest in peace...

Portishead: Roads

David Copperfield vs Holden Caulfield

Lighting strikes lightning fast. This would perhaps hold true for me.
How I wish I could narrate my life in detail to explain why but then again I might just bore you and even oblivious turtles might just turn away... Talk to the shell ol' me. And of course I forgot how easily I become bored with my own stories as well. So I guess this isn't the David and Holden kind of crap but I'll put that in my "dream-on" list- to be a novelist in my own crappy kind of way in the right crappy time.
I was busied writing a lot of things (papers, papers, papers)and my life (as it interests me and perhaps me alone) isn't on that list, though you can more or less get a picture of my toxicity and blood-letting. For 2 weeks I was almost sleepless (Almost sleepless- defined as having at least slept with books as my pillow postitioned like an orhopneic) and my eye pockets looked like it could carry a cherry each.
Have you seen "The Machinist"? Nope, I'm not yet at that point of breakdown but it's kinda scarry in a way to not have slept, almost, for a year and have this freakin' paranoia blah-blah-blah (I'm boring myself again...). On second thought, he was an insomiac while I on the other hand, a narcoleptic praying that my eyes won't close in due necessity -toothpicks are of no help and we should blame the cartoons(Looney toons I think) for giving that kind of idea! and the lousy techniques of pinching the skin and knocking your head are no better! Interesting movie by the way (You wouldn't have a hint there that Christian Bale could play as Batman. No hint! Superb acting and a gloomy setting to match my taste.).
So much for exhausting myself. Happy weekend to me with cake, balloons and all that jazz! And a centrifugal force would draw me back to that cycle next week and N times more on the forthcoming years - I am in no denial for what the future would offer or perhaps "would not offer" like a synchronized Filipino nocturnal habit, in short - a decent sleep!
Good thing I find comfort with this other pair of arms that wrap me in the midst of psychological turmoil. I find peace there dwelled like an eye in this cyclone.